4th March, 2017

Oh I am so sad. I really do not know why I am feeling so low, but I am just feeling so low. I have decided to apply for higher education in Canada. But the question I am asking myself repeatedly is do I really want to go there? I have lived in the UK for around four years. If I wanted then I could live there for more. However, I have decided to move back to my country with hope to do something I love. But do I really love to be in another foreign country? I love my country. I love my city. I love my family. Yes, my way of expression is not good but does it matter? In the deep down I know that I love my family. Now if I leave my country and plan to settle down in a new country then I will have to compromise with these needs. Oh Lord! I really am confused. Probably I would have stayed in my country if I could manage a "good" job but to be honest, I am not getting a good job. The jobs I am getting, I am not happy. It reminds me of another question. Do I really want a job? If not then what exactly do I want? Do I want to start a business? Oh well, I am not getting any business idea. I thought a lot to start something small but due to my procrastination, I couldn't do that either. Should I be depressed? I think I am getting depressed. But should I?
I, Mohammad Hasan Bin Mostafa, making a vow today that I will not get depressed. Depression is a disease and disease is an enemy and what do people do to an enemy? They fight. I will fight too. What do you need for fighting? Weapons. I will gather all the weapons in my knowledge to fight against the enemy called depression. I am feeling it that depression is crawling towards me. I will not let it attack me. Even if it can attack me, I will not let it win. Come on motherfucker.
Going back to the confusion part, I need to come up with a decision. I have not worked heart and soul for getting a job. While I was young, I knew that I will have to work hard for getting something good. Now I want a good job. So the math is simple, I will have to work hard. Very Well. I promise that from tomorrow (5th March, 2017), I, Hasan, will work his arse off to get a good job. I am asking for a job with high salary. I am asking for a job which will help me to live well and most importantly, the job where I will feel happy and comfortable. End of the story. I hope my Lord will help me while I am passing through a vulnerable situation of my life. In the deep down, I believe that I have been sent to this planet to do something big. I will die in next few decades for sure but I want my legacy to live for ever or at-least for a longer period of time. I know that I am different than others. I hate to brag on but I am better than others, which I realize. But what is the usage of this? In next 10 days InShaAllah I will be 30 years old. A 30 years old "man". And I am still not sure which way to go. I am late. I know this. But I don't regret. As I said that I am different than so many others, so, unlike the other people, I couldn't manage a job by now, couldn't get married by now, couldn't set my sail by now. And I know the reason because God wanted me to be late and as God wished such, I don't regret. Being late doesn't make me a bad person.
I will also, fully, from the deep of my heart surrender myself totally to my Lord. All I will do is work and hope that my Lord will drive me to the right path. Alhamdulliah, so far I have lived a happy life. I have got a nice family, educated family, I got good education even after I got dropped out several times, first from my college during my HSC exam and then from my university. But I have completed my bachelor's degree and I am truly thankful to my God for this. God brought me back to the right and respected path. I have never truly suffered from financial crisis. I remember the days in the UK while I used to do a part time job for only twenty hours a week. I still could manage a single room, a good social life and good food. Alhamdulliah. I have visited eight countries before the age of thirty. These are accomplishment for sure. I thank my Lord for this. And I hope that my Lord will keep blessing me.